The Four Agreements
The Four Agreements
https://www.miguelruiz.com/the-four-agreements
Don Miguel Ruiz
One Quote
"There are thousands of agreements you have made with yourself, with other people, with your dream of life, with God, with society, with your parents, with your spouse, with your children. But the most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality. In these agreements you say, "This is what I am. This is what I believe. I can do certain things, and some things I cannot do. This is reality, that is fantasy; this is possible, that is impossible."
...
If we can see it is our agreements that rule our own life, and we don't like the dream of our life, we need to change the agreements. When we are finally ready to change our agreements, there are four very powerful agreements that will help us to break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy.
Each time you break an agreement, all the power you used to create it returns to you. If you adopt these four new agreements, they will create enough personal power for you to change the entire system of your old agreements."
Introduction
I really enjoyed this book. I got it as a gift from my mom - thanks mom! It echoes some of the truths I've accepted from previous reading on Stoicism and Biocentrism. If you like this book, you might be interested in Marcus Aurelius' Meditations and Robert Lanza's Biocentrism.
Ruiz talks about the internal struggle, being a spiritual warrior, and becoming aware of the internal limitations we place on ourselves. He outlines four new internal agreements that can help you improve your psychological wellbeing and personal freedom.
My Favorite Ideas
1 - Nothing Anyone Does is Because of You
People may act rudely or irately at me, but it's not because of me. It's because of their whole experience. They are in their own reality. Their reality is not my reality. If they yelled at me, it could be because they've had a hard month. And they are pretty unlikely to own their own failures. Likely they will "blame it all on the lamest dude - blame it all on the payment due - blame it all on the fragrant food - pray to God for your mother". That was a lyric from one of my favorite songs by Dance Gavin Dance. Anyway they will blame me for their reality and lash out.
Conversely everything nice that they do for me is because of me. It's because of them. What if my boss gives me a promotion? Is that because of me? No. It's because he feels good that I take care of his problems and never complain. What if my wife buys me a gift? Is that because of me? Or is it because she wants to have a happy husband (for herself)?
This fits well into the idea from Stoicism that it is not an event that upsets people; people get upset by their interpretation of that event.
To see the truth of this, consider a young child. My kids might throw a tantrum if I say "no" to ice cream. Is that because of me saying no? It isn't. It's because of their own interpretation.
2 - Freedom and Personal Power
"Everyone talks about freedom. All around the world different people, different races, different countries are fighting for freedom. But what is freedom? In America we speak of living in a free country. But are we really free? Are we free to be who we really are? The answer is no, we are not free. True freedom has to do with the human spirit -- it is the freedom to be who we really are. Who stops us from being free? We blame the government, we blame the weather, we blame our parents, we blame religion, we blame God. Who really stops us from being free? We stop ourselves...
If we see a child who is two or three, perhaps four years old, we find a free human. Why is this human free? Because this human does whatever he or she wants to do. The human is completely wild. Just like a flower, a tree, or an animal that has not been domesticated -- wild! And if we observe humans who are two years old, we find that most of the time these humans have a big smile on their face and they're having fun. They are exploring the world. They are not afraid to play. They are afraid when they are hurt, when they are hungry, when some of their needs are not met, but they don't worry about the past, don't care about the future, and only live in the present moment. Very young children are not afraid to express what they feel. They are so loving that if they perceive love, they melt into love. They are not afraid to love at all. That is the description of a normal human being. As children we are not afraid of the future or ashamed of the past. Our normal human tendency is to enjoy life, to play, to explore, to be happy, and to love."
Everyone wants to be free, but most people don't know what that means. They think it's the ability to say their opinion or to vote in an election. Ruiz defines a different kind of freedom. Freedom as the carefree natural tendency to explore, love, and express your emotions without shame of the past or worry of the future. He says that freedom is withheld from you BY you, which reminds me of the ideas of the inner war, and of willpower.
I think the freedom Ruiz describes is only partially correct. If people just did whatever they want all the time, we'd all be eating ice cream laying on the couch watching South Park reruns and bitching about the world. That is what people like to do by default. They don't want to explore and play any more because they are tired. They got addicted to sugar which causes them to feel depressed. They somehow became entitled and expect the world to magically hand them everything on a silver platter. It reminds me of a clip I watched where Andrew Huberman teaches David Goggins about the anterior midcingulate cortex - a.k.a. the willpower muscle. It is a region of your brain that grows when you do things that challenge you, that you don't want to do. Like choosing a healthy food, getting back to work instead of procrastinating, or do the cardio workout that you're dreading. Some people call it 'embracing the suck'. The reason I feel like these ideas are similar is because embracing the suck can lead to good health, feelings of triumph and accomplishment, and a better future. Watch the clip on YouTube. Thanks Brian for sharing this in Heroic +1 #1816.
Ruiz touches on a similar idea but not quite the same. He says we need to face our fears. He says
"The problem with most people is that they lose control of their emotions. It is the emotions that control the behavior of the human, not the human who controls the emotions. When we lose control we say things that we don't want to say, and do things that we don't want to do. That is why it is so important to be impeccable with our word and to become a spiritual warrior. We must learn to control the emotions so we have enough personal power to change our fear-based agreements, escape from hell, and create our own personal heaven."
Ruiz goes refers to the internal things that lead us to detain our own freedom the parasite. The parasite is the Judge, the Victim, and the Book of Law that tells us all the agreements we are failing to live up to. When we have opposing agreements, there is no way to prevent failing. The food for the parasite is negative emotions that come from fear. The way to starve the parasite is to face the fear of death. The Stoics called this memento mori. Marcus Aurelius talks about it in Meditations. Ruiz compares it to symbolic death and resurrection.
3 - The Four Agreements
1) Be impeccable with your word. 2) Don't take anything personally. 3) Don't make assumptions. 4) Try your best.
I like all of these. For "be impeccable with your word", it reminds me about self-confidence and how the best way to build it is to DWYSYWD (do what you say you will do). Don't take anything personally is tough for a lot of people. It ties back to my #1 favorite idea from the book about how nothing anyone does is because of me. Don't make assumptions helps you to be indifferent and amicable with others. When you make assumptions, you're often just projecting your own ideas. Try your best should be obvious. What's the alternative?
If you can implement any one of these (or all of them) then you'll be better off tomorrow than you are today.
What About You?
What agreements are written on your psyche? Where do they come from, and do they serve you?
About the Author
From the back cover flap...
"Don Miguel Ruiz was born into a family of healers, and raised in rural Mexico by a curandera (healer) mother and a nagual (shaman) grandfather. The family anticipated that Miguel would embrace their centuries-old legacy of healing and teaching, and carry forward the esoteric Toltec knowledge. Instead, distracted by modern life, Miguel chose to attend medical school and become a surgeon.
A near-death experience changed his life. Late one night in the early 1970s, he awoke suddenly, having fallen asleep at the wheel of his car. At that instant the car careened into a wall of concrete. Don Miguel remembers that he was not in his physical body as he watched himself pull his two friends to safety.
Stunned by this experience, he began an intensive practice of self-inquiry. He devoted himself to the mastery of the ancient ancestral wisdom, studying earnestly with his mother, and completing an apprenticeship with a powerful shaman in the Mexican desert. His grandfather, who had since passed on, continued to teach him in his dreams.
In the tradition of the Toltec, a nagual guides an individual to personal freedom. Don Miguel Ruiz, a nagual from the Eagle Knight lineage, has dedicated his life to sharing the wisdom of the ancient Toltec."
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